Why?

“If you hire people just because they can do a job, they’ll work for your money. But if you hire people who believe what you believe, they’ll work for you with blood, sweat, and tears.”…Simon Sinek

I am not a difficult person. Really, I try not to complain much, I work as hard as possible for as many hours as it takes, and I usually am flexible. Everyone has motivation and motivation is what keeps them engaged in what needs to be completed. Discovering and capitalizing on someone’s motivation is the key link between happy employees and corporate growth. In my case, it isn’t money that gets my blood pumping. Nor am I excited by a sense of accomplishment, as many people can accomplish formatted tasks. What makes me willing to get out of bed in the morning is the “Why” of the company in which I work. What is the “why”? I am so glad you asked because without your question, this article would probably have to end here. So, let’s explore the “why”, shall we?

“People don’t buy WHAT do you do, they buy WHY you do it.”…Simon Sinek

Over the years, I have worked for companies where I know exactly what they do, how they do it, and have been a part of teams which produced the end results. In other words, I was there to get a paycheck. Once the interest or challenge waned, it was time to move to the next project or company. Oh, the life of a consultant. However, I have also been on a job where what the company or team did was not as important as why they did it. Those situations are the inspiration for me to come to work each day with the desire to do everything in my power to make it successful. Simon Sinek discusses the why in his book “Start with Why”. Haven’t read that book? Well, you should because it dives into the motivations of successful companies such as Apple Inc. and Southwest Airlines, which were not just founded on their why but shared it with the world. They created a culture with their customers which then pulls them in making them want to be a part of the culture. Customers purchased these companies’ products not because it was the cheapest, as anyone who purchased the new iPad or a MacBook Pro in recent years can attest, but because they wanted to be involved in the culture of the company, the WHY. This idea is the difference between collecting a paycheck and being driven to success at work. Instead of me rambling on about the benefits, I would suggest reading Sinek’s book. Now back to my point, stay with me here.

What happens is the company that started with a powerful why surrenders to the what they do? When process, the all-powerful bottom line, and goals become the driving force, the company forfeits the culture which made them strong. The work environment becomes a place where procedure reigns supreme and organizational structures hold higher importance than the morale of the teams. In short, the business loses its soul and with it, the hearts of the employees.

In the fast-paced world we have with instant gratification and everyone- gets- a -trophy, who cares about the soul of the company? Well, I for one do. I am a customer of many of these businesses. From airlines to fast food, I have to interact with a person who is getting a paycheck and not actively participating in the company. The bored, slack-jawed mannerisms make every interaction with another person in business infuriating.

The time of pride in one’s work seems to be lost forever, leaving only the collection of the meager paycheck remaining. . Even in this, there is contention as the entitlement mentality has infected all aspects of our culture. Not only have our companies lost their why, but our culture has as well. We are no longer going to work because we love our jobs (why), but because we just want the paycheck (what). Where once we would proudly answer “I am a (fill in the blank)” we now tell people what we do, “I push papers all day”. To add insult to injury, we are passing this new legacy on to our children who will grow up with an even darker view of the world around them.

So, what do we do? I wish I had the answer for everyone. It is a personal quest you must embark on to find the answer to why you do what you do. Only you can answer the why. Maybe, there is a remote chance, a sliver of hope if you will, where everyone seeks out understanding and searches for why, it may become infectious. Maybe, it will change the world around us. Maybe, you will walk into work and each of you will have a new sense of why we do things and not what we do. Maybe…

Until next time…

jerry b

© 2014

 

 

In the Grip of Shadows: The Pretender

“Keep you in the dark, You know they all pretend, Keep you in the dark, And so it all began”

The Pretender…Foo Fighters

Steps fall heavy as the darkness unfolds before you. Light chases away the shadows but shapes develop just out of sight. Words echo in your thoughts. Images pull across your mind’s eye. Flashes of memories drift in and out of perception, as you shy from the thoughts, the pain, the emotions they represent. Quickly you run into the darkness, eyes closed to avoid the haunting images. No matter how fast you run, they are always there; written on your very soul.

Who is the pretender? Are the pretenders reflective of who you were in the past or others who come into your life?  Each of us holds onto the experiences of our past. Gripping tightly to what we know of the pain we suffered and the feelings we shuffled away without facing. Pushing the memories deep into our mental closets; burying them beneath the dust and boxes. Hoping that others do not discover the secrets we hide or the pretenders we have become.

“Send in your skeletons, Sing as their bones go marching in… again” The Pretender…Foo Fighters

Are we the pretenders?

We are more than just a combination of water and minerals. From the moment of consciousness, we build with blocks of experience and define who we are. If our souls exist, it may be said the soul begins at birth with a clean slate. Each lesson, every beat of our heart, adds to the meaning of what we know, writing on the blank slate of our soul.  Life is not about facts but about emotions, about experiences.

“The need you buried deep, The secrets that you keep are ever ready” The Pretender…Foo Fighters

Do you embrace your life or exist in it?

The saying, “they are an old soul” resonates through my thoughts as I spin ideas together. An old soul may be the accumulation of life’s experiences. Some souls only touch in the brief moments, the veil between our lives, while other souls seek out life on the edges of common experiences, touching many lives and in turn experiencing many lessons. Lessons etch their mark onto the soul and draw a picture of who we truly are becoming. Many hide the picture, their soul from others, while those who are referred to as “old souls” share the picture of themselves to everyone they meet. The non-pretenders reveal the etchings and scratches that showing the full picture of life. The pretenders show only the image they want others to see or, an image that had no substance, no clarity, no real experiences to support their false image.

Even though the cost of experience, of these life lessons, is paid with moments of great pain, loss, and heartbreak, we grow. With each experience we add to our souls and in turn our wisdom. The feelings we have experienced created the person who is now presented. Looking back, the past can be filled with personal horrors and choices that cannot be unmade, but have altered the picture that we are by being etched on our soul. Our greatest pain, buried deep, will surface when we least expect it, casting shadows upon us in a moment. These shadows that sometimes haunt our existence are not the way to honor our teacher. A teacher we refer to as experience.

Do not hide the pain; it is a lesson that should be remembered, not haunt your life. Embrace the scars for the pain is a lesson of what it is like to live.

“I’m finished making sense, Done pleading ignorance, That whole defense” The Pretender…Foo Fighters

Until next time…

Jerry b.

©2013

“Constant Companion”

As I slowly wake from my sleep, a low rumble alerts my senses. The rumbling gains momentum as it nears, consumes all other sounds, and then passes into silence. Again and again, it comes and then fades away. With each oncoming sound a flash of light brings my eyes flickering open creating an almost instant awareness. Only then do I remember where I am. How close to home has this eastbound bus taken me?

I strain to find something familiar in the darkness outside the cloudy window, I become aware of each car that passes by, with the rumbling growl and bright lights that had awakened me.  Suddenly realization crosses through my sleep fogged mind; to the drivers of the passing vehicles, I do not exist. My only presence in their reality is the bus I ride, howling past them in the opposite direction. Without their knowledge of me, I’m nothing more than a nameless, faceless rider. However, to me, the same is true for the world I’m hurling past outside the bus.

I pull up the sleeve on my jacket, wipe the moisture from the window, and peer out into the darkness. As the world passes by, each house I whirl past has life going on inside, lives I know nothing about. In an attempt to bring these lives into existence for me, I start mentally writing my own stories about what is happening under their roofs.  In the darkened trailer, the children are finally asleep in their beds as their parents, cuddling together on the couch, watch television. The small house on the corner has a woman crying at the table, wondering where her husband is at this hour. Her fingers run through her hair as she stares at the phone on the table in front of her, begging it to ring with some news. In my story, the phone never rings. Finally, the house with the over-grown lawn and absence of any light shining from it has had many stories created about it over the years by the local youth. Some say this dark looming house is haunted while others talk about an old man still living inside, waiting to chase off anyone who comes around. The reality of the house is different for me. The house is being used by local drug users and prostitutes as a safe haven. The stories go on and on with the passing of each town, but to me, the stories are fleeting, existing only until the next one is created. How many lives go on without anyone knowing of their existence?

Without a clear idea how much further I have left until I reach my destination, I look up and count the remaining passengers accompanying me on my journey. The bus is another representation of my life with people getting on and off not really knowing who I am; so many people passing through without taking the time to understand each other. Some of the people may stay longer than others, sharing the journey, but in the end, everyone gets off the bus. The desire to reach out to another person and connect seems to be a lost art. What would it take to authentically care about another person? Most people are happy in their ignorance of others, satisfied their world is as small and as dark as the interior of the bus we are sharing.

As these thoughts pass through my head, a feeling of loneliness washes over me. Loneliness is my constant companion. He is someone who shares my daily life, though I never hear a word of encouragement or question coming from him. He is just a passenger, always by my side along for the ride. We are seemingly all riding with our own version of Loneliness because we are unable or unwilling to open ourselves to the world around us. We are happy in our ignorance, to have Loneliness beside us through all of our journeys. While he is the one passenger that I would like to see get off my bus, I find that he remains my constant companion always in the seat next to me.

I settle back into my seat, move my backpack up to make a pillow, then I turn to my ever present partner and silently ask him to wake me before my stop. With this final thought, I drift off to sleep listening to the growling rise and fall from the passing cars and wondering if Loneliness is riding with them too.

Until next time…

jerryb

© 1994 & 2013

[Author’s Note: This story started in 1994 and has been lost in the notebooks of my journals for almost twenty years. Recently, I went on a hunt to find my old writing and was pleasantly surprised it survived the many moves and storage. This piece is a work of fiction that has been in the back of my mind for many years. I am glad that it has finally been completed. I hope you enjoyed a little piece of me. Thank you for your time…jb]

Life’s Musical Bridge

Day after day I’m more confused
But I look for the light through the pourin’ rain
You know that’s a game that I hate to lose
I’m feelin’ the strain
Ain’t it a shame

Drift Away…Doby Grey

I have been asked why I have song lyrics throughout my pages. That is an easy answer. Music is all around us. In everything we do, see, and hear. The beat of the world has a harmony that some choose to listen to while others block it out like a spoiled toddler, screaming at the restaurant as you attempted to have a peaceful evening. The beat can be strong and the lyrics flows through each of us. How many get in their car and leave the radio off? Ever watch the special features on your favorite DVD where the soundtrack hasn’t been added? Life without a soundtrack would be dark and dreary.

Now, whether your music of choice is country, rock, alternative or classical, it speaks to you. However, do you ever listen beyond the music? The sounds of life itself as you stumble through your day. Everything has a rhythm. The storm is a good foundation of a symphony. It starts with the wind rising and falling, shaking the leaves with gentle waves of sound. In comes the thunder, accenting each pulse of the coming storm, building it until you feel the energy sending pulses of anticipation. Finally, the rain joins. Slow, heavy drops with its irregular beat until the symphony reaches its crescendo as all this is brought together, Nature’s wonderful soundtrack.

Oh, give me the beat boys and free my soul
I want to get lost in your rock and roll and drift away

Drift Away…Doby Grey

We seem to close our minds to the world around us. There tends to be a focus on the issues, injustice, and prejudices of the world.  Fighting for what we “think” the world should be and forgetting that it isn’t our decision. Collectively, we could not agree on a direction to follow. Standing on our pedestals of righteousness, we demand the world be changed to our image of how we think it should look like. We forget that beneath all this desire to control, there is a balance; the harmony and rhythm of life. If you don’t see it then hear it, feel it and find something that speaks to you.

Some find it in books and religion. Some find it in creating something new. I find it in music. It is in the lyrics of the songs that inspire me to look beyond the surface.  The cadence that moves me to believe that in all the ugliness of the world, there is something that brings people together. Words can be transformed into a melody, showing the soul of the person writing them. In turn, the connection is created with a person. This person shares the connection with another. It becomes a living entity that stretches beyond one person and touches many. It crosses over the every line of prejudices: gender, race, and religion.

All that I ask is that you find your song. Find your connection to something greater than you. Embrace it and see how it can inspire beyond your perspective of the world. Listen to the rhythm of the world around you. Most of all…

Mama let that boy, play some rock n’ roll
Jazz is much to crazy
He can play it when he’s old
He’s too young for the blues
He’s still inside his first pair of shoes

Mamma Let Him Play…Jerry Doucette

Until next time…

© 2010

Big Business in America: The Money Pit

 

Where does the money go?

 It seems that when gas prices go up twenty cents over night, we complain about how the government is out to get us. When your company downsizes, not due to the economy but, because they want to make their shareholders happier, we blame the President. However, the first time they enact legislation to help secure our borders or to assist in locating lost children, you scream that they are infringing on your rights. What do we really want from our government?

I read an article today from the Associated Press that the economy is hurting the Democratic Party. In it, Obama has stated concern and acknowledges that the crisis with the economy is going to hurt election turnout and Democratic candidate’s votes. Are they blaming the government for the current crisis?

A few years ago, the automotive industry was in serious crisis; not completely due to the lack of people purchasing their products only because of the increased bonuses of the executives and the drive to please the shareholders. Instead of changing the way they were doing business, they asked for assistance from the government. They based their request on the impact on the economy if they didn’t receive aid. The first thing they did was give their bonuses and cut jobs by sending them out of the country for a more economical way to make a profit. How did that help the US economy?

At the same time, large banks were being impacted by the failure of bad investments caused by financial smoke and mirrors. They too asked for assistance from the government and received it. What impact did this have on the economy? We saw more foreclosures on the people who paid the taxes that generated the money. What did they do to help the economy? They pandered to the executives that caused the issues and continued to play the risky games with investing money in foreign economy. How did this help the US economy?

Our government’s task is to help us with creating security, infrastructure and order. You might state that the economy is part of our security, but I will also point out that business should not be rewarded for the greed that caused the issues in the first place. If we spent the same amount of money on building our roads, power grids, and revising our programs to assist small businesses that we spent on bailing out the larger corporations, then we would have had a more direct impact in the economy than any of the bailouts. If more focus was given on assisting families to help maintain their homes from foreclosures, we would still have a booming housing market. If more attention was given to our schools and education programs, we would have a better chance for our future generation to be able to grow and keep up in the global economy.

Maybe you are correct; government is to blame for the economy’s slow recovery. If as much attention was placed on the people and less on special interest group and lobbyist, maybe we would have the tools to pull ourselves out of the slump. When was the last time that a congressman actually put together a bill that benefited the people of their district and fought to get it passed? If our representatives turned a blind eye to Wall Street and focused on the needs of the people, we might see results.

Here are just a few suggestions for those in Washington to take to heart when they are planning on spending another few billion dollars to bail out large corporations. Let’s start with upgrading our failing power grid by burying the cables, which will reduce the power outages in most storm ridden areas and also reduce the need to cut down so many trees for the obnoxious power poles. Once that is resolved, then maybe we could meet the current EPA guidelines for waste handling by installing sewer systems in areas outside of the major cities. In turn, we will help to reduce the need for ground water pollutants in our streams. Finally, we can improve the road system to reduce the congestion that we all experience, which will reduce the amount of fuel we burn.  

The first thing that will be said is the amount of money it would cost. Well, probably about the same amount as that was handed out to the financial institutions and corporations that didn’t improve any of the above issues. However, let’s look on the impact that these projects will have on the economy. To complete a project such as this, we will need to hire people reducing the unemployment. We would have to purchase the materials and equipment to complete this project, also reducing the unemployment as companies will have to keep up with the demand. The more people work, the more they will spend, which will affect the other industries.

So, the next time you are driving your foreign-made car down a pothole riddled street on the night of a blackout due to the storm, through the stench of sewage; just think about how the financial incentive program has helped our economy; as you are hopeful of finding a job so the foreclosure won’t cause you to move into a rundown apartment in a bad school district.

Until next time…

© 2010

Talking Heads Without A Voice

“Hanna Pitkin (1967) provides, perhaps, one of the most straightforward definitions: to represent is simply to “make present again.” On this definition, political representation is the activity of making citizens’ voices, opinions, and perspectives “present” in the public policy making processes.” taken from Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (2006)

I awoke today to the morning news as I do most days. Between the weather, daily reports of shootings and silly human tricks that make up the morning news the commercials for political candidates fill my waking moments.  Over the years, I have started paying more attention to who represents my interest in the political arena. Most of the time, I get drawn to one candidate or another but in the world between sleep and wakefulness, I realized that nobody is representing my interest.

With all the pointing the fingers and sensationalism that is presented to sway the votes of people, who for the most part will vote their party anyway, there is no real message. It is a series of who voted this way or who stole this money. I have to admit that some of them are pretty humorous in their obvious distraction to their own agenda.  Overall the substance is as solid as steam.

There was a time, I am not sure if it was just folklore or reality, from our history books that portrayed politicians as the representatives of the common man. Farmers, shop owners and small business men dominated the political world. People with the ideas and conviction to convince their fellow citizens that they were going to represent their beliefs were the ones that served. In this day and age, this sees more of a myth than a history lesson.

Why is it that we spend our time complaining about the way government is ran, yet we don’t make a conscious effort to do anything about it? The choice is not simple. It involves educating ourselves on the choices we make when voting or to even vote at all. I have to admit, I am not the most avid pollster when it comes to election time. Recently, I have found out how my lack of involvement in local government is impacting my family, but that is a story for another time.  However, it brings me to the point I am trying to convey. We are people who have the freedom and rights to vote for those representing us. Many have died for this right and many are still dying for the rights that we have. Until, we as citizens, pay more attention to what is happening in the world around us instead of spending our time watching the television and complaining, will forever be cattle that is led to the slaughter by someone else that is benefiting from the meat.

Just try for a moment to look past the flashy television ads, lawn posters and political parties. Seek out the real issues and beliefs that matter to you and your family. Educate yourself on our government, the world and the policies that are being initiated. Learn about how each decision a business makes impacts your life. Dig for the answers to question. Even better, understand the questions and stop being cattle. If you choose to be ignorant in what is happening around you, then you choose to not complain about it. You are not a victim, you are a participant in what is happening.

Until next time…

© 2010

Sound Of Madness

I created the Sound of Madness.
Wrote the book on pain.
Somehow I’m still here,
To explain,
Shinedown…Sound of Madness

Oh, I do love the sound of the musical poet. I have mentioned it time and time again that music is the sound track of our lives but how it that the sound track gets more and more interesting as the year goes on. If anyone has ever said nobody feels their pain or understands what is happening in their life only needs to scan through their music collection. I will assure them that the pain they feel is lurking in there somewhere, shared by the tormented sole that poured it out for your listening pleasure.

For the record though, I have created the sound of madness. Or more correctly spoken, I do the written interpretation of madness. Day in and day out I look around the little world I live in and see the madness of it all. Each moment we live adds to the madness. Stopping to get you morning coffee can be an adventure when they mix up your drive with the herbal tea drinker in the car behind you. To the moment you’re sitting in front of your computer, typing out words on the screen. Madness is a state we all live in.

Should we run from the madness? I say no. Embrace your inner psychosis for what it really is: the realization that things don’t go the way we hope and plan but they still work out the way they are meant to be. We don’t have to understand why or what that is at the time but truthfully, isn’t that the point of madness.

Another lose cannon gone bi-polar
Slipped down, couldn’t get much lower.
Quicksand’s got no sense of humor.
I’m still laughing like hell.
Shinedown…Sound of Madness

What I truly suggest is not the giving up your self to fate and just letting things happen as they will but to look beyond what is happening. We need to fight for what we believe in and what we want but before you can do that, you have to know what that is suppose to be.

The hardest thing I have found to do is to look at things from the outside perspective. To see what is really going on. Why is it that you smiled at that person and gave them your number when you already have someone waiting for you at home? Could it be that you already know where the current relationship is going and there is something lacking? Another common situation is the not knowing  if you want to be somewhere or with someone. It isn’t a difficult decision to make but we have a tendency to hold on to what is there while we look for something better. The indecision of what you want and what you don’t want to give up. How is this so difficult to comprehend? Do you want to be there? Can you let them go? If answer is yes to either one of these then you have your answer. It isn’t like you need to make a chart and see what happens next or what you need to see happen. If it is not happening then move on. Life is too short. We are too fragile to open ourselves up to heartbreak, disappointment or rejection. 

That the darkest hour never comes in the night.
You can sleep with a gun.
When you gonna wake up and fight… for yourself?
Shinedown…Sound of Madness

You’re asking yourself if I am saying stay there or go. Leave things up to fate or fight for what you want. The answer is yes. Stay, go. Run, fight. All of these things are true. Find the one that works for your situation. I try to fight for what I believe in. I have hope that I am doing the right thing and it will work out. Try to cut my losses when failure is eminent. But most of all I try to live. The sound of madness is the result of living. What would you learn of love if your heart was never broken? How could you appreciate trust if you haven’t experiences the loss of it? What would you offer someone if you never fought or work though a problem? This is living and this is what gives up the lessons that are needed to bring something to the table. This is the sound of madness that we hear in the darkest of nights. The true test of faith and belief in oneself is how you deal with it.

Each of you have written your own book of pain as the song implies. Each of you have found a song that expresses what you feel at that moment. You are not alone in this world and your problems are not the first time in history someone has suffered. Just try to remember all those other songs in your collection that express the good time with friends, finding your true soul mate, and the good memories in your past. To forget those songs or to edit them out of your playlist will not show you where things can and will go. Have faith in yourself and patience.

What is your top five songs that grab the way you feel these days?

What is it about?

As I go back and read the things I have written, I realize that from the outsider’s perspective that it seems like I could be a little jaded or hurt. This is not the case in most of them. I wonder about things that have happened or realize some things that I have learned through the years or even in recent months.

The most asked question I get (though not in post but in email) is who is that blog about? I really can answer that one here for all the past and future blogs. The blog is about my observations and me. They are inspired by you and everyone I have ever known. To write something that shows insight into my mind has to be based on things that I know. So, yes they are you  in these words one way or another. It might be something you said, you showed me or that I learned from you. For those of you I have not met, you are also here in the words if they reach out to you or you can understand the point of the message.

What is the message that I am trying to convey? Well, that depends on what you see. I think back to the lessons that I have learned and things that have touched me. It isn’t a Zen moment or showing the divine inspiration when I start to write . It is just the crazy babbling of the madness that is in my mind. I look in the dark shadows and things hidden under the furniture. I try to clean out the cobwebs in the darker regions. I like the shadows as that is the area where the interesting things happen.

Try looking into your dark shadow. Draw a picture, write out the words to describe them or just tell a story. Expose them to the light and watch how they aren’t as mysterious as we believed them to be. You might grow as a person as you do. Building the blocks of your own story.

© 2010

Falls Apart

And the hell of it is what we are
We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away
As our memories fade with age
And we don’t even know ’til it’s gone?
Hurt….Falls Apart

I was thinking today on thing from my past and the lessons that I have learned. I wonder if I sabotage each of the relationships I have been because I haven’t figure out how they are supposed to work. We have this fairy tale image of what they are supposed to be like when we look at the movies. Not matter how disastrous it begins we still think in the end it will work out. If it is working out in the beginning we are looking for the reason of failure.

Once failure arrives, either by our own hands or by that of our partner, we scramble to save the pieces out of desperation. We try to talk through it and look for the things that are broken. We try to hard to fix it and forget why we were there in the first place. Mayhem and broken dream follow. Until the day it is over and you have nothing left by shattered memories and an aching heart. Searching for the answers as to what happened. That is easy, we happened.

We happened to it and there is only ourselves to blame.  We tried too hard or not hard enough. We lost site of the fact a relationship is a partnership that requires each to bring something to the table. There are sacrifices in other aspects of our lives to make it work. We have to make time for each other and make an effort if you want it to happen. Words alone will not put the pieces together. Actions and honesty will keep it from falling apart.

So lie like a waste by the side
As everything just falls apart
‘Cause everything just fell apart for me
Hurt…Falls Apart

So, what to do when it does fall apart? There are multiple answers to this question. We could walk away and leave the past in the past. Then you will lay awake at night and wonder if that was the right decision and sometimes it is. We could try to put the pieces back together but in only rare cases this can work.

Stepping back to remember why you were there in the first place and seeing if the direction each are heading is the same. This takes both parties to agree on. Fear of loss will generally push you to try again, even if it isn’t for the right reason. In the end only the two of you will know what course to take.

I wonder if the reason I am still wander out in the world of failed relationships is my lack of understanding or is it my desire to be with the wrong people. Those that are unavailable or cannot commit to being in the partnership of a relationship. Each person I am with satisfies a need that I have in some way but do they satisfy the majority of the needs that make the relationship worth while? My heart leads me into these issues that I have and the fear of losing the things that I enjoy keeps me beating my head against the wall. Is my life made up of a collage of different people who provide bits and pieces of my emotional and physical needs? Some stimulate my mind, while others make me laugh.  There are so many connection on so many levels and each of them bring forth a little bit of happiness.

When do we meet the person that completes and provides the whole package for us? Do we ever or do we settle for what is here right now? I guess that there are times when I want these answers and when I don’t need them at all. Which of these two mindsets is the real me?

And I don’t feel the need to go on
I was happier singing along the way
I had things, I need to say
Hurt…Falls Apart

Where’s the Effort? A Trip to Higher Education

 “you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a f*ckin education you coulda got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library”…

 Will from Good Will Hunting

In my previous post I mentioned being back in school. This isn’t a new thing for me, even at the advanced age. I have always wanted to be in school to get my degree. It wasn’t from the lack of desire or motivation; I just have lived a, how should I say unusual life. I spent many years working in an industry that you didn’t know from day-to-day where you would be waking up. After leaving that world, I thought I would try my hand at the “normal” life and walked into the wonderful world of information technology, commonly called IT. It wasn’t a career I chose but one that I fell into when I needed steady employment. I began this new career thinking that I would have more time to go back to school.

I wasn’t embarrassed when asked where I went to school at in the beginning. I would proudly say the University of Borders. Why pay $1200 dollars for 3 credits when you could get more information from $200 of books at the local Border or B&N. I thought it was a cute way to respond until I realized as my experience grew in my field, I was hitting the glass ceiling. You know, the one here you look up at all the asses above you and think, I could do better. Well, my schedule normalized and I wavered more than a politician on whether the time was right for me to go back and finish the degree I desperately needed. I made my choice of schools that worked with my schedule and bit the bullet (can I use any more clichés here?). I was a college student again.

 I had high hopes of being surrounded by higher thinking individuals; people who might challenge me to think of bigger and brighter things. By surround, I meant in the virtual world of online classes. You would think that anyone that can make an entry into a college level course that requires the use of a computer and internet would have some brain power to put together a thought or two. It just goes to show you that higher education does not mean higher intelligence.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not an elitist and think that I am smarter than anyone else in the expansive world we live in. I believe that others in my class are potentially just as able to use their minds as the next person. What I found were people who had the ability to do the work but the drive to barely get by. How can you inspire to be a better person through education and still do the bare minimum? I see this as a chance to learn new ideas, methods and expand the mind to have personal growth at a price tag that will choke even the monetarily blessed. If you are paying the amount we are for an education, why can’t you grab it for all it is worth? This isn’t high school anymore. The education isn’t free just because you are not paying for it now. The bill will come due. 

 The daily review of my classmates makes me wonder why they bother with doing it at all. They lack the effort to correct even the simplest grammar mistakes. Not that I have the best grammar but how can you not catch mistakes like “that would be the word I would of used.”? Instead of using the tools to communicate and share ideas, they simply log on and post “checking in” for attendance. Nothing and I mean nothing, irritates me more than someone who is lazy and unmotivated. You do not have to be smart or well read but you do have to try.

 Classrooms and discussions are supposed to be about the exchange of ideas and the sharing of thoughts between people with a common goal. If I wanted to just pass my time in this life I would have went the way of Dante and Randall and worked at the convenient store all my life.  I could have spent my entire day exchanging sophomoric rhetoric with other with a like mindset. At least then I would have been able to share thoughts with people.

 My disenchantment with the laziness of our current society will probably poke its evil little head out to rant from time to time. It seems the further we evolve, the less motivation we have. Everyone wants a handout and entitlement. What happened to working for it? I am where I am at in life for two reasons, I worked hard to get here and I didn’t work hard enough to be further along. I have nobody to blame but myself. I do not need someone giving me anything that I am not willing to work to get. Why do my fellow classmates think that doing the minimum will give them the degree they seek. Was there a special on a degree at Wal-Mart or something?

 Until next time…

The Simple Things I Long For

Just take a minute and think of the little things that would make your day a little brighter. I did just that and came up with a list of simple things that make the day a little more enjoyable.  

1. More stairs in the building I work at as it is the only real exercise that I get.
2. Just the right song at the right moment on your way home.
3. The slow waking of a lazy day with the fall breeze blowing in through the open window.
4. Conversations that last for hours even if they are endless ramblings of an awaken mind.
5. Inspiration to come as I am sitting in front of my computer instead of when I am stuck in a line without paper to jot them down.
6. To not get the last of the fries before they drop a new batch.
7. A day of laying in a hammock reading as the leave fall from the trees around me.
8. Having the answers to those difficult questions your children ask.
9. More time with the people I love. Those moments are too fleeting.
10. Being able to love the work I do as much as I love the times at home.
11. Having more inside jokes that only “we” know the meaning and laugh at the very thought of them.
12. The smell of fresh coffee as I wander, blurry eyed into the kitchen first thing in the morning.
13. To be sitting under a blanket, with the person I love next to the fire as we watch the flame perform their dance.
14. For procrastination to have a 12-step program that works. At least a patch or something.
15. That all of life’s lessons were in a text-book. I would study it, I promise.
16. To not have to wonder why we go through AA batteries so quickly.
17. The ability to leave the door unlocked and know you are still safe.
18. That someone somewhere wouldn’t have just one more for the road.
19. That my worse fear would only be if I left the light on.
20. Keeping the ones I love safe, giving them the guidance I can and never having to say goodbye.

Peaceful Easy Feeling…

The worst is over now
And we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn
And no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
Seether…Broken

Peacefulness. Not the quiet of nothing happening but the feeling that you get when you realize that things are the way they are and you are ok with it. You fight so hard for many things to make them work and realize that you forgot the reasons you were fighting. Looking back on many things from relationships to careers, I notice that the road is a constant battle but we lose sight of why we were going through the steps in the first place.

Recently, I looked at a situation that I have been going back and forth on for almost a year now and wonder why? I mean, it isn’t as if it will be resolved. I think that there is hope but the hope is dimming. Some things should just be let go of and taken as a life experience. You can look for someone to share things with you but if they don’t want to take the journey then you must let it go. If you do not, then you are wasting your life and that is too precious to squander on things that will never be.

But I’m on the outside, I’m lookin in.
I can see through you, see your true colors.
Staind…Outside

I started this off with the comment about “peacefulness”. Let me get back to that thought. Peace comes from the understanding what is happening. It is the realization that the reality is yours alone. Our wants, perceived needs and idea of what should be are ours alone. We cannot project them on others. Once you realize that our perception of reality has no bearing on the rest of the world and become expectant of this, you will find peace.

I know I’ve been mistaken
But just give me a break and see the changes that I’ve made
I’ve got some imperfections
Staind…Right Here

My perception of reality could be considered strange or different from others. I imagine we can all say that to some extent. I tend to look beyond the surface and see what lies beneath, the weaving or threads of many lives in a pattern.

Do I have doubts and insecurities? Yes.

Do I look for things to be more than they are? Yes.

It is a struggle some days as I walk through the house and am haunted by memories and dream of a different future. I see the family that is not going to be there. The laughter of making dinner with someone who wants to be a part of this life. The emotions that flow through the walls of a future that won’t exist. This sense of peacefulness comes from these images and feelings. It is an understanding of that even though you feel a loss of what never happened, you also feel the joy of what will.

There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
Daughtry…Over You

Look beyond the loss and insecurities to find that spark of hope. Not for what you wanted but for the fact that every moment you exist you have one more memory, one more thought, one more feeling of emotion and one more chance to have what you want. I have had questions of faith and hope. I have lost and regained my sense of belief more times than I can count. Through this, I find that that belief isn’t in others but in oneself. That belief is what give us the spark of hope for the next moment.

© 2009

Life’s Little Frustrations

We all have them. Then nagging moments when you feel the urge to scream out your frustrations. In an effort to share some of those moments, I have compiled a list of the things that may or may not bring about the personal explosion that comes from the uncontrollable stupidity or frustration. Most of the time, it is your own fault.

Life’s frustrations:

1. When you need tech support for your system and all the IT friends are busy. Or being an IT person and not having time to fix your own broken computers.
2. Thinking that you will just fill up the gas tank in the morning only to find out it jumped up 30 cents while you were sleeping.
3. Wearing an outfit that is appropriate to the weather outside but not knowing what the temperature in your office will be. Hence the freezing in the summer or the feeling of on a winter day. Where is the office weather forecast?
4. Spending an hour doing inventory and making a list before going to the grocery store only to realize, once you’re at the store, that you forgot it on the table at home.
5. Spending the whole day at work wishing that you could get something done only to get a “must do” task 45 minutes before the end of day.
6. Making a sandwich and realizing that the last, and most important ingredient, is the thing you told the children they could have the night before, leaving none left for your masterpiece.
7. Realizing that the traffic report’s explanation of the hour-long backup is actually caused by your broken down pile of junk that you call a car.
8. The day our favorite show is doing the series finale is also the day Mother Nature decides to give you the worse storm in history, knocking out all power, satellite and cable for thousands in your area.
9. Leaving work, fighting the lunch time traffic across town only to find that the bank that you desperately needed to get money from is closed for some obscure holiday.
10. Waking up after a post-sexual escapade nap only to remember that your child is having friends over. This realization comes as you stumble into them, naked, on your way to the bathroom.

Finally, this is an example of one of the most frustrating things. Expecting there to be something worth while to read when you click on someone’s blog only to find out it has been a waste of your last few minutes of your life that you will never get back. Wanna scream now?

Until next time…

© 2009

Are you real?

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
The Who…Behind Blue Eyes

It is becoming late in the night. I have found that it is easier to look through the darker areas of my thoughts when the house has become still; the almost winter wind pushes at the seams of the place I call home, bringing thoughts to me on their chilling wind. . I glance at the clock knowing that it will be hours later than I had planned on staying awake, yet the pull of the dream world has not lured me to its fortress walls yet.

The exploring of your profiles and writings brings me to wonder what is real.  Who is the persona that you show with your pictures and words. It isn’t always easy to discern between the two. Messages pass between us and each one shows a little more of your hand. Words of the real you are followed by that of the image you want to present. Anonymity is what you seek. To be hidden behind the facade you that you embrace is to never allow anyone to really call you a friend.

Personalities of a sex kitten or a housewife, a womanizer or a businessman all flash before the screen. Hints of the real you are there like little clues. Pictures are subjective and could be real, but at times they are just borrowed from an old college classmate. The fear of exposing who you are has bound you into submission greater than any in the real world. You profess the opportunity to be the “real you” while you only project the persona that you want to be.

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
The Who…Behind Blue Eyes

How do we call ourselves friends? Do I know your hopes and dreams or is this what you think we want to hear. The quiet man who shuffles around in the background of the real world could be the entertainer of hundreds with his sharp wit and quick tongue online. The executive down the hall could be the seductress of the night once she slips out of her normal, quiet life and lets her fingers move across the keyboard.

Do we really know who we are growing attachments to in this online affair of the heart? How much of what you see is what is real? How real is it if in the outside world they cannot embrace who they are?

No one knows what it’s like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
The Who…Behind Blue Eyes

I have said, many times, that what you see of me online is what you would meet in the local tavern or sitting across the isle from your cubical. I wear no mask as there is no need. With so much deception and posturing that already exists, I can walk among you as I am, each of you believing that what you see is no more real than what you are presenting. The few that truly show themselves here in cyber world, can slip in and out without notice.

Until next time…
~jerry b

© Jerry B. 2008

Have Some Sympathy

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for long, long years
Stole many man’s soul and faith
Rolling Stones…Sympathy For The Devil

As I read the words shining before me on the monitor, my thoughts race. My throat tightens as I read the words again. They were spoken in jest but the meaning is clear to me. It isn’t the first time my playfulness has prompted that thought.

“You are the devil incarnate.”

The cursor flashes back to me as I think of the response. What is it that I do that prompts this reaction? I only intend on exploring your thoughts and desires, to garner understanding for both parties involved. The questions I ask are meant to search beyond what is spoken of in general conversation and dive deep into the shadows, seeking out where the dust bunnies of your mind hide the secrets and desire so dark that they aren’t admitted to even you.

What inspired you to say those words? I look over the conversation, turning the words over in my head.

“…my breath warms your neck as my lips hover over the softness of your skin, teasing you with the anticipation of what is to come. You feel my fingers entwining in your hair, the tension increasing as you feel the moistness of my lips touching you neck just below jaw. A gasp builds in you as my mouth traces a line down. Kissing and teasing of what is to come, I whisper to you, “tell me what you want” as your breath quickens…”

These words work their way over the screen. How could this be evil at this point? I am just looking for the reaction to the words, painting a picture if I may. I am testing the boundaries you declare you have in hopes of discovering something new that was never seen before. Is this evil? I think not.

“…I feel the pulse against my lips as my teeth summon the pleasure from you. Your breath comes in gasps as I explore your neck. Each move has intent; each drawing of my breath sends sensations through you. I whisper in your ear “What are your boundaries? How far will you go?” The only response is a gasp as my voice resonates through you. My hand caresses your cheek, turning you to expose more of your neck to me. “Do you want me to stop?” I whisper, feeling your body tense against me. Your response is a mixture of a moan and one word, “No.”…”

This is a typical conversation for an afternoon when I am unmotivated to work and seeking new excitement. What starts as a friendship, turns to exploration. Will I see something I haven’t seen before? Discover a hidden room where the desires go beyond what I have found in my quest to understand?

I do not find it any semblance of evil in this quest. I see if the words can entice an emotion, a reaction, or a new openness.  I can see in the theater of my mind not only the images that I type, but the reaction of the reader, imagining how they are shifting in their chair, waiting on the next message.

At what point does that become evil? If evil decided to walk the Earth, why would it choose me as its vessel? For the record: I am not the devil incarnate. See, he offers temptation of wealth, fame, etc. in exchange for your soul. In the end you don’t get what you want but a trick of the wording, He is such a con-artist. I however, offer temptation and offer only pleasures and companionship in exchange for the same. My deal is much better than his. I don’t appreciate being compared to that hack. He gives us all a bad name. I do not want your soul … well, maybe a piece of it, but not the whole thing. That would be too much responsibility.

“… a shiver flows through your body as my hand slides down your neck, across your shoulder. My fingertips continue to move across your soft skin leaving a trail of sensations. My breath, teasing your flesh as my hand …umm, sorry I have to go, I have a meeting…”

And here I am, left with this message on my screen …

“Damn you! You are the devil incarnate!”

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
Use all your well-learned politesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste
Rolling Stones…Sympathy For The Devil

Until next time…
~jerry b

© Jerry B. 2008