The bedroom light seeps through my half closed eyes, as my wife starts her morning a little earlier than I. The morning news filters into my waking moments. Between the promises of another scorching hot day and the frivolous chatter of the news anchors, the advertisers pitch their wares to what they hope is their demographic audience. According to the commercial, these advertisers believe I am in need of a MRI, hearing aid, a new roof because mine leaks, a new air conditioner because mine is broken, and my ass is suffering from hemorrhoids. I know I can be a pain in the ass but I don’t believe I suffer pains. Just who do the advertisers think are their morning viewers?
The advertising industry is the second largest employer of statisticians, behind only the insurance industry. The statisticians crunch numbers to give the probable age and gender of viewers for each show and broadcast time creating a demographic group. This hypothetical group is then matched to vendors that will pay to advertise their products at optimal times to target the “right” demographic group. According to the numbers, my house and I are falling apart. I suppose that I am the exception to their calculations.
Now, some things should not be advertised during specific shows or movies. One must go beyond the statistical demographics and into the human factor to understand why some products would just be insensitive or awkward-no matter what the statistic say. As I was clearing the sleep out of my thoughts, I came up with some potential advertising fails.
Golden Corral buffet restaurant advertising during the Biggest Loser.
Viagra commercials during 16 and Pregnant.
Clorox Bleach during any of CBS’s CSI franchise.
Political adds during the Jackass movies.
Closet organizers during the broadcast of Kill Bill or Kung Fu. (wait for the light bulb moment, you will get this one)
Shout stain remover after the Bill Clinton Biography.
Boy Scouts of America during news coverage of the Jerry Sandusky Trial.
Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man in the World” commercials during Intervention.
Cobra radar detectors advertising during Cops.
Ginsu knives during the OJ Simpson Biography.
Texaco sponsoring Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth.
Starkist ads during A Dolphin’s Tale.
Commercials are part of the television experience. Advertising, when done responsibly, can be thought provoking, funny, or even informative. In some cases, commercials can just be annoying. Take a moment to think of a few products that would be a little awkward when advertised during specific shows. I am sure you can come up with more examples to add to the list. My list was composed before the first cup of coffee.
The one plea I have is for someone to convince Trojan condoms to sponsor an ad during Duggar’s 19 and Counting.
{Stepping up to the podium, tapping the microphone and with a sigh, I look out upon the crowd as the fear grips me. I come to the realization that I am about to say things that might not be popular or accepted. Swallowing the fear, taking a deep breath, I commit to the moment. }
Is the United States the best country in the world?
I have thought about this question many times over the past few decades. Once, I believed the answer was yes. We are the greatest, most advanced, and most powerful country that exists. Unfortunately, that time of naivety has evaporated along with the belief in the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. The U.S. may once have been one of the greatest countries in the world. However, as the country grows out of puberty and into adulthood, the U.S. is exchanging its teenaged ideology for the complacent persona of middle-aged greed. To answer the question presented, no, the U.S. is no longer the greatest country in the world. Before the mob gathers the noose and prepares to hang me from the nearest tree, let me explain.
Once, as a country, we held our heads high with a pride that was based on the core values of innovation, education, and integrity. We raced to the stars, fought for equality, and revolutionized industry. Pride was felt in a good day’s work. Our beliefs were based on earning everything you have and there was no such thing as a free lunch. Charity is what you did for others not what you held your hand out to receive. Success in school was measured by personal dedication and effort in all subjects, not just the subjects that appear on a national standardized test. Politicians were voted into office because of their stance on issues or principles, conviction, and a shared belief; not because of party affiliation. Yes, once we were the greatest country in the world and we earned that title through the blood, sweat, and tears of our people and their leaders. Somewhere, we lost our way.
We have become a country where social programs created to help those in need have become a crutch that encourages laziness. Why would someone strive to work or improve their situation if they can receive a handout for doing the minimum or nothing? These government programs allow the status quo to continue without putting ownership on those receiving assistance to change their situation. New government programs are continually created that are perpetuating this mentality by sustaining generation after generation of dependents on the program. How is this possible? The politicians that advocate the programs are seeking voters by creating a cycle of dependency.
The current reality of our political arena is much different than the world of our grandparents. Elections are bought by corporations and special interest groups who easily manipulate an ignorant populace. We are in the most polarized political landscape since the Civil War where voters no longer cast their vote based on belief in the candidate but the party they represent or rumors they believe. How are the voters expected to make informed decisions when the media, with its lost objectivity, clamors to spoon feed their political affiliates and satisfy their demographic focus for their advertisers? Making an informed decision has fallen to the sidelines in favor of the convenience of a ten-second sound bite. No longer are truth and journalistic creed part of the equation. Now is a time of instant gratification, tweets, and digital headlines where honest debate has slipped aside for tabloid politics. The integrity of the democratic process seems to have gone up for sale to the highest bidder on EBay.
What do the corporations get for their money? Corporations get a supportive political landscape that panders to their every whim allowing them to move jobs out of the country in favor of profits. At some point, we went from being the greatest industrial nation of innovation and manufacturing to a nation of mostly service based industries. Why? Corporations, with the blessing of the government find more profit in moving jobs to other industrial nations, where the wages can be reduced and labor laws are not as strict? In return, factories that employed thousands are sitting vacant with only weeds and rust being produced where once steel, automobiles, and textiles flowed from their loading bays.
With the closing of businesses, communities not only lose jobs, families and stability but also the ability and willingness to fund education. In a panic to keep funding and comply with national and state education standards, school districts shift the focus away from quality education to meeting the objectives of standardized test scores. These standards are forced on the districts by policies of state and local governments based on political agendas. Educators, in the hopes of maintaining their jobs, are expected to push the agenda set before them at the cost of learning and creativity that once made the U.S. the innovators on the global landscape. All the while, teachers are blamed for not only lowering the education standards but also for not meeting the needs of the individual students. Emphasis falls on to the tested subjects with other programs falling away. Children are force fed the test subjects and expected to perform without the essential skills they need. Without a strong emphasis on subjects like history, the values and foundation our country was built upon are slowly slipping away from future generations. As a nation, we are failing the future generations and dumbing down the population. Could it be that a less educated population is easier to manipulate?
Why do I have this view? I come from a generation that put emphasis on working hard for what you want, not expecting it to be given. I have the ability to write, read, and have intellectual thoughts because teachers were able to guide me into fostering my own ideas and opinion. I grew up in a time where history and the arts were taught to give an understanding of mistakes and accomplishment of our past. If I needed understanding, I searched through many ideas to find the answers, not open a browser and look for a bite-sized tidbit. Back then when honor in action and words meant something, where information could be trusted to be more fair and objective unlike the pretense of objectivity we now have in the age of 24 hour news channels and Wikipedia.
I love my country. I believe that we were once the greatest country in the world. Then again, the Roman Empire was once the greatest empire known to the civilized world. Once upon a time, the sun never set on the British Empire. We used to reach for the stars, now we reach for the remote and our wallets. We believed in what we stood for and held our heads up high. We were the envy of the world. I want to know that time again before I leave this world. Will you help me to achieve it?
All relationships start with a first date. The first date can be a magical moment where you realize that this is someone who you would like to get to know more or for the stalker types, someone to spend your life with. Before you know, many dates later, you are in a relationship with that person and look back fondly on that first moment. Sight, sounds, and smells may remind you of that moment when the connection was first forged. The fans of romantic comedies (which for the record, my wife is not one of them); the moment usually has a cute little story that is told throughout to anyone who will listen. It seems that everyone has a little moment like this.
Not all first dates have this special little moment. The darker side of first dates is the ones that can’t end fast enough. From the second they start, there is a feeling of dread that only gets worse. These aren’t the “how I met your mother” moment but something that more closely resembles a Charlie Sheen train wreck (Winning! Not). We have all had them and most have lived through them. Some misread the signs of the bad first date and mistakenly procreated with the other person forever attaching them to us. We all know people like this. We pity them or maybe we are them.
There are a few bright neon warning signs that may indicate that this may not be the person for you.
If your date spends the evening talking about how crazy their former boyfriend/girlfriend was and refuses to change the subject, your best bet is to find an escape route and calmly walk away from the situation. If there is that much pent up anger and fixation on the situation, the ex may not be the only psycho and also may not truly be an ex.
If anywhere during the date, one of the parties gets arrested; this might be a sign that it isn’t going to work out too well. Nothing says trust like a pair of handcuffs but that usually doesn’t have anything to do with a jail cell.
You know you might be in trouble when their biggest aspiration is to move out of their parent’s basement after finding a nice girl, just like mom, to settle down with. This conversation is usually mixed throughout discussion of the new first person shooter game and the last comic convention.
If you spend a first date talking about what your date’s perfect wedding would entail, you may want to reconsider taking the relationship any further. They are clearly more interested in the wedding as an event and not the relationship that MIGHT lead up to a marriage.
If your date asks for your financial and medical records, this is never a good sign.
Since the above list only scratched the surface, let’s review a couple of phrases to keep an eye out for on the first date.
“My wife/husband was telling me this morning…”
“I learned from my probation officer…”
“When I was inside (this can be taken as prison or the psych ward)…”
“No, that was my third baby daddy/momma…”
“I really like Tom Cruise…”
“You remind me of my mom/dad…”
“No, I play in the band for a living…”
“So, how many kids do you want? I am thinking four or five.”
The first date is an important step in any new relationship. (Without it, you probably are with a prostitute, but that is another story.) If the date is successful, it could lead to a life-long partner with the whole house and white picket fence fantasy. By following these warning signs, you may successfully avoid the inconvenience of the eminent restraining order, divorce lawyer, and costly child support (or lack thereof).
How was my vacation? Is that your first question? Watch it or that might end up being one of the office inner monologue blogs. I am sure I can come up with a few choice responses to that question. Now that I think about it, maybe I should do just that. Anyway, my vacation was wonderful. Thank you for asking.
This week I missed a day on the blog as I was recovering from all the fun I had with the family. I had hoped to use the hours on the train to work on this week’s post but instead, I took the moment to hold my wife’s hand and read my Nook. I find that between work, family, and writing, I have to actively attempt the balancing of “me” time in there. Thus, reading was what I chose. If you are wondering, it was a good book and I finally finished. You weren’t wondering? Well, never mind. I will move on.
TTMM was in vacation mode this week as well. As I long to be back enjoying the time I had off work, it manifested in my writing. Let’s take a few moments to review.
Of course, there are things that inspire you to question what the hell is going on or make you wonder. Vacation time is the perfect time for human theater and observation. I discuss some of them in ”Vacation Observations”
There are quite a few things that go into planning a vacation but then there are moments that make it all worthwhile. Discover some of those moments in “A New Adventure”
As mentioned before, I tend to read quite a bit. Most of my current library is in the eBook format. Not only is the cost of books a little more acceptable but I won’t have to add an addition on to my house for my book shelves. It is my personal opinion that the new format has changed the face of publication and has brought popularity to reading again. One of the benefits of eBooks is the opening of doors to new authors that may have never been able to be published otherwise. Self-publishing has given opportunities, not only for the author but the reader, to explore stories that wouldn’t normally be accepted by the print publication industry. For those that have an eReader, have you been reading more than you previously were? Are you discovering new authors? What are your thoughts on the shift of the industry?
This week, I am coming back from vacation with my family. Though I may travel often with my job, it is a very rare occasion that I can share the world beyond my little community with my family. Last week, I had a chance to share a little piece of the traveling experience with those I love. I was able to experience the excitement of my children discovering new things, exploring a world they haven’t seen outside of the movies, and seeing a part of the world through their eyes. For those that have had the opportunity to travel with your children, you can understand the balance of excitement and stress. For those that haven’t had the chance; let me explain.
The Stress
If anyone has ever tried to get a group of people together to do any activity, you know that there is a lot of planning, coordinating, and double-checking your list. You have to balance everyone’s needs, personalities, and level of understanding. This process starts weeks before the vacation. I watched my wife go through a daily juggling act of looking for interesting places, fascinating sights to see and must-do things. She attempted to have balance and include things our youngest would like, our oldest would like, and what we wanted to do. She purchased the tickets for events and planned out how much time we needed between things, all the while, leaving things open for the free-flow exploration. Once the trip begins, it is a juggling act of corralling the group, answering the millions of requests from the children (most of the answers are “no”), and all the while attempting to relax and enjoy the moment.
Then the moment happens
The excitement of the trip becomes infectious as the children look around in awe of the new world they are experiencing. Their heads snap from left to right to catch all the new sights like a rubber-necker passing a fender bender. The stress flows out of you with each laugh and comment from the children as you explain the things around them and what is planned. The parental bonds with the children start to reconnect with each passing moment, as do the sibling connection at the shared experience. Forgotten are the tasks for work and the bills to pay. The only thing that matters is continuing this very moment for as long as you can. In that instant, you understand the rewards of the labor in preparing for the trip.
Reaching over and taking my daughter’s hand in mine, we wander through the avenues of skyscrapers as a family and work our way towards each new adventure. Laughter becomes the family’s constant companion as we incorporate our inside jokes to the world around us. We see the new city in a way the natives have long forgotten. Museums, parks, and tourist events are the goals we seek and find with every turn.
At the end of the first day, with legs aching from the exertion, my wife and I enjoy a drink as the kids wander off to look over the lake. I feel my wife’s hand in mine as we relax and watch the children marvel at the sight. I see my son reach down and pat his sister on the shoulder as he explains something to her. She looks up at him and smiles. This is what a family vacation is meant to be.
We are settling back into the routine after our family vacation. There was not much time to sit down and write, or when there was, I have to say I was exhausted. This week will be a little light on TTMM as I get back into work mode, raise my energy levels up to the normal levels, and sit down to do some writing again. I have many ideas of coming articles but the words are not flowing as they should to make them presentable. Please, forgive the holes in the schedule.
I did want to leave everyone with something to think about from my observations away; just a few quick notes of reference. What do you think?
No matter how someone parents their children, other parents will have a “better way to handle” the situation. Some of those methods may be better but we have to remember that we are not the parents of that spoiled brat that is causing all the issues. We are just sharing in the awkwardness of the situation.
It doesn’t matter how exciting the place you are visiting, there is probably a large portion of that city’s population that that wishes they were somewhere else.
Can someone tell me how so many people can spend business hours riding their bikes, running, and rollerblading? It is in the middle of the day, don’t they have jobs?
It doesn’t matter how well the hotel is rated, there will always be a group of children running the halls and playing in the elevator. It is a fact we must accept.
Yes, the cab drivers will run you over if you walk in front of them.
Never sit in the front seat of a taxi cab if you are a squeamish about other people’s driving. If you have to do so, spend the time reading your phone but never look out the windshield. You will not enjoy the trip.
Wearing your sports team swag while visiting the rival’s city is just fun, especially when you repeatedly win against them.
Food that you would normally not eat will actually sound good after walking all day. That is why it is available around the tourist areas. The only regret you will have is paying the absurd amount.
No matter how much time you spend on vacation, it will take twice the amount of time to recover from the time away. There should be a vacation after the vacation in order to rest up.
For all those on vacation at this time of year, what are some of your observations that you have discovered? Let’s see if we can add to the list.
This week has been crazy and satisfying in many ways. We started the week visiting Hell or at least its kitchen, in our look into what the reality show’s contestants should consider before accepting a role on the show. On our next stop we visited what makes people purge their friends list on the all-powerful Facebook. We ended the week with my personal blog and internet reading list at the moment.
It seems if you wish to get people’s attention, just mention Facebook. That is why I mentioned it in the title of today’s blog. Almost everyone has a Facebook account, whether they actively use it or log in once in a while to creep through their friends’ photos. My mother is even on the social network giant. She uses it to keep in contact with her children. Now that doesn’t mean she is actively participating in two-way communication, she is sort of “stalking” the family by reading our statuses or blogs. Kind of creepy in some ways, but it is nice in others as it gives the feeling of having a guardian angel watching over me; a mute guardian angel. I love you, Mom. Just smile and wave at the readers.
“Social media includes web-based and mobile based technologies which are used to turn communications into interactive dialogue among organizations, communities, and individuals.”.. as defined by Wikipedia
Our fascination for all forms of social media has been growing over the past 15 years. Social media began to enter mainstream culture as AOL grew in popularity. True geeks will argue the first wide-spread social communication on the internet was message boards but the majority of us are not “true geeks” so I will stick by my timeline, not the geek-line. As I was saying, social media started with AOL, then moved to Yahoo, progressing to the social world we have today. Like all things, if used responsibly, the inter-linking Internet communities can be beneficial; like guns, alcohol, religion, and porn. (I have always wanted to put those words in a sentence.) However, if abused, those same electronic societies can quickly go from annoying to fanatical. Now I don’t think that Facebook will be the fall of society but more likely a blip on the timeline our progress. Then again, religions have been started from some of the strangest things; wasn’t Scientology born from a sci-fi book?
Let’s look back at this week’s posts
Love them or hate them, reality shows are part of our culture and television schedule. This week, we looked into what the contestants on Fox’s Hell’s Kitchen should understand before they join the show in “A Little Advice for Hell…Or Hell’s Kitchen.”
If Facebook friend lists reflect our relationships with others, then it is time to clean up your list. Here are the reasons why some do not appear on my friends list anymore in “The Friendship Is Over…Just Ask Facebook.”
Taking a little time for a family vacation this week, I thought it would be fun to share out some of the authors, bloggers, and webpages that I am currently following. I hope you took some time to read through their pages. I hope to share more that I discover. See my recommendations in “It’s Family Vacation Time.”
I want to thank everyone for reposting and sharing. I write because I enjoy writing. I post for you, the reader to enjoy. If you like a blog, share it with your friends, repost on your favorite site, or just leave a comment. I will keep doing this as long as everyone keeps reading.
In our current culture, Facebook dictates who we like and recognize as our friends. If you are not on our Facebook friends list, then you must not be someone we consider worthy of such a title. Never mind that we talk on the phone, at work, or when we get together in person; if you don’t make the cut on the almighty Facebook, you are not really my friend. I am truly sorry to break that news to you so publically on the internet. I would have notified you via my status update, but you wouldn’t see it because my Facebook is only for those people who are my friends and since you are not on the list, you wouldn’t have been given this little tidbit of wisdom. I know you were once in the know and on the elite list of friends but found yourself banished to obscurity without a warning or reason. It could have happened for one of many different reasons and I feel that I owe you an explanation about why you were kicked out of the cool kids’ crowd. So here are some of the reasons you have been defriended.
For the love of the game: It seems that you had a whole lot of time on your hands to play online games. You filled my screen with your little achievement updates, and requested help building your barn, finding a stone, or kicking another player’s ass. I, however, do not have the luxury of time and have had less time due to having to sort through multiple pages of your game posts just to find something interesting from people who had something real to share. Sorry, but you have been deleted from the list and I truly hope that barn of yours burns to the ground.
Breaking the chain: In the beginning, there were chain letters. Then came chain emails. In our new world, we have chain statuses. Like their predecessors, they do nothing more than piss off the people who feel guilty for not complying with the requested response. Thank you for the notification on the little girl that is suffering from a fatal acne breakout. I am sure that it will clear up after we re-post the story in our status. Well, I for one desire to live a guilt-free life and am willing to close my eyes to all of the suffering in the world to make it a better place for me. In honor of my new outlook, or lack thereof, I am purging you from my friends list in order to be a happier me. I feel better already.
Drama class: I for one like a little bit of drama, as long as it is happening to someone else. The Drama Queens who display their drama for all to see can be quite amusing. However, when you constantly share your relationship issues, your pitiful life, or your hatred for your job, you cross over from the realm of amusing to pathetic. If I wanted to see that every day, I would watch reruns of the Jerry Springer Show. Your life is too depressing even for me. I highly recommend you should consider seeking help outside the electronic world.
Manic moments: On the opposite side of the depressing drama are those of you that are chronically upbeat and cheerful. After reading your status messages every hour (because you post your joyful messages frequently), I almost wonder if your high spirits are a result of rainbows coming out of your ass. Your words of uplifting prose probably make you feel warm and fuzzy, but for those of us that live in the world of reality, you are obnoxiously manic. No one is that merry all the time; hence your deletion from the pool of friends. Call me cynical but I have no room for someone that is not honest with me on how shitty your life has truly become.
Who the hell are you?: Just because you happen to be related to my second cousin by marriage and you have the same last name as I do does not mean that I know you. Though we attended the same school, church, or worked at the same fast food place doesn’t make us friends. In a moment of weakness (and curiosity) I accepted your friend request. I have since realized that weakness is not the way to live and have rectified that moment by deleting you out of my life. I feel stronger already.
I hope this clears up any questions that kept you up at night regarding the change of status. For a brief moment, we were thick as thieves and part of a greater societal circle together. May you go on to find friends that appreciate your uniqueness. I, for one, am not that friend.
Looking back over my friends list, I see a few members of my family, a few people that make me laugh with their posts, and a handful of people who are my only link to a life that is long past. I have come to realize that I must not be a good person as I have fewer friends than I thought. Maybe they deleted me because of the constant promotion of my blog. NAW, they love me.
The summer season of television begins. It is the time when reality shows attempt to pull in viewers that are a little lazy from the heat to do much else. Around our household, we let the DVR capture the broadcast as we enjoy our summer fun. I have stated before that I am not a huge fan of trash television but everyone has to go slumming once in a while to get perspective. One of the shows that we slip off into the low-rent neighborhood gives us our favorite foul-mouthed chef, Gordon Ramsay with Hell’s Kitchen. What better way to relax in the evening than watching contestants belittled, as profanities are thrown at them through a high paced dinner service? Now before we go further, understand this is not one of televisions’ crowning moments but a step into the waste that we call reality television. The competition between the cooking hopefuls is filled with constant stress, conflicting personalities, and a host that pushes them to the limits while rarely handing out compliments. Wait, that sounds exactly like the other reality shows (and a few of my old bosses).
What you need to know before you go to hell.
Hell’s Kitchen is in its tenth season in the U.S. and continues to capture audience’s approval. In the competition, the hopeful chefs compete for a chance to continue their hell as the head chef of one of Chef Ramsay’s many international restaurants. In review, you spend the entire competition being humiliated, screamed at, and the prize is … more of the same. Where do I sign up? The show is filled with cleverly edited situations that imply that none of the contestants are competent enough to make a grilled cheese sandwich at a school’s cafeteria.
My only wish for the show is for it to be aired on a cable station, as viewer spend most of the show trying to figure out what nature of profanity was used in each scene. And by each scene, I am not exaggerating. The producers of the show spend hours of overtime bleeping and putting “fuzzy bubbles” over the mouths of Chef Ramsay and the want-to-be chefs. There are so many bleeps that our household created a drinking game where a shot is taken after each foul-mouth epithet. The results were many missed endings and massive next day hangovers. This game should not be played by anyone that wants to keep their liver in one piece. A variation of the game can be played where you have to drink every time Chef Ramsay croaks out “IT’S RAAWWWW!” This might prolong your liver, but not by much.
In order to be on the show, contestants do not need to have a lot of experience but the passion to cook. However, after nine completed seasons, you would think that the hopefuls would figure a few things out before attempting to go for the prize. Let’s help them out with a little Hell’s Kitchen common sense.
My first suggestion is to watch the damned show! After nine years, you would think that the people who go on the show would actually understand that they are about to be flayed on a daily basis for five weeks. They must endure no sleep, constant abuse, and bitchy team mates. Just look at it as going to boot camp with food. So quit whining about it!
After seeing the show, you should know that no matter how good you think you are, you are a piece of under-cooked dog shit in the eyes of a professional television chef. That is why we watch the show. It gives a reason to feel better about ourselves while watching you be bullied and abused. Thanks for the pick-me-up.
If you win a challenge and get a fancy trip to some exotic place, plan on failing the next food service. It is written in the stars that you will find yourself feeling the brunt of Ramsay’s rage. Additionally, refrain from drinking in excess during your time on the show. From personal experience, dealing with hangovers while being screamed at is not conducive to peak performance.
We are watching you. After you are finished with the filming and head back to your normal life, these moments will be aired for all to see. Some of these not-so-shining moments will be on the season’s DVD. You don’t want to go to a future employer, love interest, or your children and show them how much of a douche you were on national television. Though from our couch, we find it entertaining.
Learn the basic dishes. Every season, it amazes us that people do not know how to cook the show’s staple dishes. If you can’t cook scallops, beef wellington, or risotto to perfection every time, well, Fuck off!
Armed with these little tidbits of advice from a seasoned observer, you too can go on to be ridiculed by Americans everywhere as we sit on our comfortable couches, playing a drinking game at your expense. Here is little advice for the competitors. After you have had your ass handed to you by Chef Ramsay, the next step in your career awaits, I hear that Denny’s is hiring for the overnight shift. You will be appreciated there.
June was a busy month at TTMM. At the end of each week, I try to take some time to step out of the normal format of the post and take a more personal approach to the message. In the past, I have thanked some of you for your support. That support has made June a month of records for TTMM. I saw daily view records broken, not once but four times during the four weeks. June was also the most viewed month in the past two years. This was directly related to you, the reader. I have a limited amount of exposure on my social media but have noticed that many of you that follow TTMM have shared with their friends. I cannot express how much that means to me. There are some of you that go above and beyond in your support and to those, I send out a special thank you.
Once again, I owe a very special thanks to my wife. I have realized in the past few weeks that when I write, I have a tendency to almost obsess. Though I can be narcissistic and compulsive in my craft, she has undying support and patience with me. She is my editor (thankfully you do not read what it would look like before she gives it a work over), my soundboard (for hours on end at times), and co-contributor to a few of the posts. I look to her as my anchor in all aspects of my life. With our family, our home, and our interests, she is truly my partner.
A week in review
I think my mental filter might have been on a vacation this week. Let us look back and review some of the ramblings from the past week.
Monday Morning Stupid Questions: Continuing with the office mental monologue for the dreaded “How was your weekend” question.
Things That Go BOOM!: In honor of the holiday TTMM reflects on the nostalgic fireworks we all know and love.
Airport Diaries #2: Opps! Did I say That? : For experienced or novice traveler, there are a few things that should not be said to the Custom agents. Here is just a few to add to your list.
Summer reading
I want to wrap up with a little discussion on summer reading. It is the time of year where many take some time to grab a book and read on the beach or pool side. A few books on my list include: A Game of Thrones, the whole Indian Hill series by Mark Tufo, the final book in the Morningstar Strain trilogy by the late Z.A. Recht, and a list of others that are loaded on my Nook. What is on your summer reading list?
Traveling on an international flight has its perks. One of which is the ability to have a few drinks during the long flight when everyone else is asleep. Those cute little bottles seem to add up faster than you realize. The drawback to this airtime happy hour is the arrival back on U.S. soil and the visit to immigration, and subsequently customs, for your re-entry interview. Now under normal circumstances, a trip through immigration and customs is a boring affair. However, through trial and error, we can safely say that neither department’s agents have a sense of humor.Here is a short and incomplete list of a few things NOT to say to re-entry agents.
When asked, “Where have you have been?” it is not appropriate to answer with “a brothel, too many bars to remember, and this cute little place where they package this crazy white powder.”
If you are asked if you have something to declare, I strongly discourage declaring that the agent’s breath “stinks to high heaven”. Also, you are not doing yourself any favors by offering a breath mint or piece of gum.
A standard question is, “What was the nature of your trip?” The simple answer is “business” or “vacation”. The incorrect answer would be “well, you see there are some operations that are not exactly legal in this country…”
If you find yourself asked to step off to the “little room” where an agent proceeds to don surgical gloves, you are probably in for a few intimate yet uncomfortable moments with the agent. Since we have established the agents do not have a sense of humor, refrain from comments such as “Can we go to dinner first?”, “So, do you really enjoy your job?”, and “Please remove that class ring first, I don’t want that thing lost up there”. In addition, I would not recommend encouraging them by stating, “What you find you keep. What you don’t find, I keep.” or winking at any time.
If you see one of the female agents walking through baggage with drug sniffing dogs, you definitely shouldn’t kneel down and pet the dog while asking in a cutesy voice, “Which one of you is the bitch? Huh, come on who’s the bitch?”
Now I know these seem outlandish but like most warning labels, someone has tried them and each has proven to cause some minor inconvenience on continued travel and/or personal freedom. If you find any additional things that should not be said when entering the country, please pull off a few squares of prison toilet paper and write them down for us. We look forward to your research.
For my friends in the United States, the Fourth of July is not just Independence Day; it is a day of barbecues, family gatherings, booze, and time off work. Like the other 50,000 bloggers out there, I am taking a few moments to reflect on the most important part of our celebration: fireworks.
What other time of year can the masses legally possess the equivalent to mini sticks of dynamite? One M-80 is equivalent to a 1/8 stick of dynamite. No wonder the M-80’s are now illegal in the United States. Just think about all the gun powder you can accumulate in that $500 bag of fireworks you put between your kids in the backseat. The laws state that without proper licensing, no firework can contain more than 50 milligrams of pyrotechnic composition per unit. Doesn’t seem like much until you look into the backseat at the massive pile of pyrotechnics you just purchased. I hope you don’t smoke in your car.
With the entire big bang fireworks that have been introduced over the recent years, there are some classic fireworks that bring back memories for most of us.
Firecrackers
Firecrackers are a long time standard for the backyard celebration. The sound of firecrackers can be heard echoing through the neighborhood hours after the first fireworks tents are raised. Like most things, we are not content to just light and toss these little sound generators. Everyone has stories of creative things done with firecrackers. My sister is still a little pissed at me for the time I taped half a brick of firecrackers to her Barbie because I was tired of blowing up my own toys. As I grew older, we would try to see the quantity required to destroy bigger objects with limited success. If you wish to really get even with the neighbors, hang an aluminum trash can (don’t use the one that you cooked your turkey in last Thanksgiving, that is gross) from a low hanging branch and drop in a bundle of 5000 Blackcat Firecrackers. This is guaranteed to earn a few points on the annoyance scale.
Bottle rockets
When tossing firecrackers at your friends no longer holds your attention, escalate your teenage angst by launching the aerial counterpart to firecrackers: bottle rockets. Neighborhood wars have been waged as teenagers team up to launch their attacks. Keep in mind; bottle rockets have 2 stages of pain. The first stage is when you light the wick of the more expensive sort that has been coated in black powder. The green wick burns, shooting flaming sparks and pieces of wick onto the holder’s forearm. The key is to hold the bottle rocket until the optimum moment before launch. Nothing is worse than lighting your bottle rocket mid-battle and then throwing it too quickly. You will completely miss the intended recipient and instead, experience the second stage of pain: when the bottle rocket hits the ground right in front of you and ricochets back into your own leg.
Roman candles
Roman candles are to bottle rockets what a nuke is to a traditional ordinance. These fiery tubes shoot out colorful balls. Though they are meant to be aimed skyward, they have become a favorite in projectile battling. Though roman candles do not have the range of a traditional bottle rocket, it can be intimidating to have a fire ball flying towards you, despite the fact that it is a beautiful color of green.
Sparklers
Kids love how pretty the sparklers are and how they can write their names in bright light. Sparklers are a simple concept. Just light the end of the gunpowder-crusted metal stick, hand to a small child, and watch as they burst in tears as the hot embers scorch their delicate skin. If the sparks do not do the trick, the heat transfer through the metal stick should leave a scar (both mental and physical) for years to come.
Snakes
When I think of pointless fireworks, snakes come to the forefront of my mind. The only purpose of the snakes is to leave a blackened char permanently tattooing the sidewalk or patio. With smoke that evokes the smell of hell and a curl of black ash, these little anti-climactic disks will cause even the most excitable child to fall in a state of boredom.
I have heard it said, if you regulate dangerous materials to make them idiot proof, a better idiot will come along. Just ask the nurse working the ER, the exhausted firefighter, and the smiling fireworks distributor; this is the time of year that the Darwin awards become so popular. If only fireworks could be the chlorine in our gene pool.
Another week begins as I arrive at my desk. I go through the automatic routine of unpacking my backpack, moving the piles of junk out of the way, looking for an area vacant of papers to place my overflowing coffee cup. Have I mentioned coffee is in the top five gifts from the gods? Well, it is and the quicker you realize the extreme importance of coffee, the happier we all will be. Anyway, it is time to start the day. Powering on the ball and chain computer I will be tied to the next few hours, I work on getting my piles of forgotten work into some semblance of organization to be pushed off another day. Then heavily sitting my ass into the confines of the torture device known as the office chair I am ready; welcome to a Monday morning.
I am still clearing the fog out of my head when I see someone hanging over the top of my cube. If only I could ignore them and they would go away. That is what you do with pests, right? Ignore them or spray them in the face with insecticide, and I don’t think that falls within office protocol. I should be so lucky…
“So, how was your weekend?”
Seriously? They must realize that it is way too early for a stupid question. With that one inane question, I feel my IQ dropping a few notches on the scale. It isn’t like these people actually know me outside of work. They are not even my Facebook friend, which is a true sign of knowing me, right? They don’t know my family, where I live, or what happens to me when I leave the office. The question ranks up there with “So, how’s married life?”on the scale of stupid icebreakers. Such superficial, rhetorical questions are a pitiful way to segue into what they really want, which is for me to do something for them. Well, as it is Monday morning, I am having no part of this office etiquette.
Maintaining my blank look, I run through all the responses that could potentially derail the coming work request. Which one should we pull out of the mental grab bag today?
“Oh, my weekend was great! I found out on Saturday from the neighbor’s wife that the baby isn’t mine as she feared. You know what a relief that is?”
“Honestly, I don’t know. I went out after work Friday on a drinking and coke filled binge. I don’t remember any of it. I was just getting ready to scan Facebook and YouTube to see if I enjoyed myself”
“Not bad! Hey, I am having a little issue with my lab. What do you know about cooking meth?”
“Exhausting! Do you realize how difficult it is to make a buck when your pimp takes his cut? The things we do to make the mortgage payments, I am telling you.”
“PORN! That’s how it went! Me, this new lube I picked up, and high speed internet. I was in heaven for the past three days. Though, I might have over done it some” (shifting the front of your pants)
“Why do you ask? Seriously, that picture on the news looks NOTHING like me. Don’t you dare tell anyone that is does! I was nowhere near that store. ”
“Ever see the movie Hangover? It was nothing like that. I sat at home, played video games, and ate pizza. Well, except the whole monkey thing. I really like the monkey.”
“Ask your wife. She really needs to be the one that explains it to you.”
“Wrote my manifesto, cleaned my guns, and thought about how much I hate my job.”
Any of these responses will completely change the way my week starts off. It may not always change it for the better but I can guarantee it will change. Who needs a boring start of the week? Live a little! Let’s see how quickly we can be introduced to the new HR associate. I have a few questions for that little hottie. This might just be the ice-breaker that I need to make my move.
As you realize that they are still hovering, you mumble something like “It was pretty uneventful.” Any boring answer just might get this over with and allow you to get back to your coffee. However, if you are faced with the Monday morning situation and feel a little uncertain about using any of the above responses (or the mundane canned response) , feel free to respond in your best Gordon Ramsay impersonation and say “Piss off!”
This week’s TTMM weekly wrap begins with a thank you for all those that have been reading over the past few weeks. Because of you, I have seen new records of views and some fresh new followers of the blog. I also want to thank those that have reposted the blog to their social media pages as it has helped to introduce the site to new readers I previously could not have reached. I truly want everyone to know that I appreciate all that you do and every one of your visits.
This past week, I traveled for work and visited France for the first time. The trip gave me some ideas that I hope to capture on paper in the weeks to come, but also took me away from my family and normal writing routine. I have returned home and am enjoying time with my family as I settle in to my routine. For those out there that travel for business or vacation, I think you understand what I mean. You feel out of sorts and the schedule is off. To make matters more difficult, I was coping with a seven hour time delay. Enough of about me, let’s talk about the week.
So, let’s start the recap from the week:
Ever have those little things that aggravate you in traffic? We all have things that just seem so wrong. I had one of those moments and climbed on my soap box in “Rush Hour Reading”
Last week I wrote about the bad ideas people seem to get when drinking. Because of a few comments from readers about the biggest mistake that we can do, I had to revisit the subject with a follow up blog. Thanks, once again, to my wife for co-authoring this week’s visit to the drinking issues in “The Follies of Drunk Dialing”
If you have a subject you like or something you really enjoy reading, leave a comment or email me at tripthroughmymind@gmail.com. I enjoy hearing from my readers. The reason I write is to connect with you. If you like something or you think that your friends would find it interesting, please feel free to share.
A night on the town and drinking with friends can be a memorable experience. It also can be a black hole in your memory as well. Things can get a little out of hand when reasoning checks out after the first few drinks. In a previous post, “A Moment of Clarity and Rules for Drinking”, I mentioned some simple rules, but I left out one of the most important ones. Leave it to a reader to point that out. As you enjoy the increase in your buzz and the slow loss of your common sense, remember that this is not the moment where you should pull out your phone and drunk dial.
Let’s first define drunk dialing. If you have had a few drinks and you feel compelled to pull out your phone, randomly search
Don’t let your friends drink and dial.
through your contacts, then feel the overwhelming need to call someone; you might be a drunk dialer. If you are waking with a hangover and someone has left you a pissed off message about a call you do not remember, you probably have drunk dialed someone the night before. When your recorded phone call has become a YouTube viral success, well, you should have deleted that contact a long time ago because the person you called was an ass.
Even celebrities are not immune to drunk dialing. It is easy to find celebrity drunk dials on the web. Who could forget Mel Gibson’s crazed, drunken rant to his ex-wife. The one-time successful celebrity, in a drunken rage, left a message that guaranteed his public relations company hours of billable time trying to recover his fallen image. Howard Stern created publicity when he sent out a Twitter message on New Year’s Eve inviting people to tweet their number and he would drunk dial them. Drunk dialing seems to be all the rage these days and will perhaps just become an acceptable way of life. Until that time, try to resist the urge. Though it may be chic these days for celebrities to admit that they succumb to the need to express themselves during their moments of intoxication, the rest of us need to take a few things into consideration. So, let’s take a moment to look for the warning signs for imminent drunk dials:
If you are feeling a little emotional after your tenth beer of the night, the idea of calling a long lost love at two in the morning is a bad decision. This will only lead to a profession of love and begging. Most likely, this person has moved on. The drunken phone call just reinforces the notion that you have not changed and are still a whiny pain in the ass. Incidentally, when I say they’ve moved on, I mean they most likely have decided that you are exactly what they didn’t want. However, if you wake their new improved significant other, then you might fall into the next situation, which is angry drunk dialing.
If anger is the drunken emotion you are possessing, then a verbal confrontation along the lines of the aforementioned Mel Gibson is likely the outcome. Since you didn’t have the backbone to express your pent up anger when you were dating, the liquid courage you acquired from your shots of tequila not only makes the idea justified but can end in a restraining order. However, if you already had the restraining order put on you, you could find yourself sleeping it off in the local police station.
The drunken booty call is by far the most common. The state of your meat and potatoes/wedding tackle (or any other funny euphemism for your junk) is something you should always consider before making such a call. Nothing is more embarrassing than waking someone with the promise of an exciting sexual interlude and then providing nothing more than a lame attempt and some tears.
If you find yourself absolutely unable to resist the urge to drunk dial, designate one of your most patient friends as the drunk dial receiver. Explain to them that as part of your friendship, they need to help save you from yourself. Warn them before you begin a night of drinking that they will more than likely receive a phone call from you. You could even arrange to be each other’s designated drunk dial receiver by taking turns. Other drastic measures could include purchasing a drunk-dial-as-you-go phone to take with you when going drinking or simply deleting all of your contacts from your phone before you go out. There is an anti-drunk dial phone where you have to blow into a tube before you can dial or text. Just having these for sale should indicate that this is a bigger issue than most of us know.
Driving in rush hour traffic is something that must be faced when you are part of the corporate treadmill. Travelling one-way for an hour can be tedious with very few bright moments. Entertainment can be found in imagining stories behind the drivers in the cars around you. In the Ford ahead of you, the driver puts on makeup as she eases through 10 mph traffic; she could be an executive or work in retail. In the work truck beside you the driver may be nursing a hangover from the night before and not just be stressed out ready to blow. The aggressive driver behind you is trying to pass but you are conveniently entertaining yourself by closing each opportunity. As he lays on the horn and makes obscene gestures, you wonder what are the triggers for road rage and exactly how far can you push the line. This is the modern day entertainment that begins my work day. I smile to myself as I realize entertainment can be found anywhere. Then suddenly I lose my good humor.
Just a few cars ahead of me to the right was a brand new BMW sedan. As all beautiful BMWs should be, it had high polished black paint, tinted windows, and the distinctive logo. What caused my mood to crumble was next to the BMW logo was a poorly placed bumper sticker. The sticker was skewed and bright pink, promoting some random idea that had little worth for the viewing public.
Who would do something so stupid?
Why do we ruin our cars this way?
Why would anyone buy a $60,000 car and slap a fifty-cent, obnoxious day-glo pink bumper sticker on the trunk. The driver’s first mistake was putting the sticker on the car at all. Then after that idiotic thought, why put the gaudy sticker on the trunk? Obviously the mental deficiency that allowed the beamer owner to get this far extended even further into laziness as they could not even take a few more seconds to put the damn thing on straight. Some of us will work our whole lives and not even come close to having the ability to afford a car of this caliber. Here I am sitting in stopped traffic, trying desperately to advert my eyes from the highly offensive example of bad taste. Defacing the BMW with the obnoxious sticker seems like the equivalent to drawing a mustache on the Mona Lisa.
I am finally able to pull up alongside the driver, lean over enough to look over and witness the owner of this rolling offense. Sitting behind the wheel is nothing less than a Jersey Shores’ reject. Her black hair is teased 80s style and framing collagen- filled lips that would embarrass Angelina Jolie. The leopard print steering wheel cover almost matched her blouse and at this point, I have lost all hope for humanity.
Bumper stickers do have their place. Without bumper stickers plastered all over it, that twenty-year-old rust-bucket, in the lane next to you, might not stay held together long enough to arrive at its destination. Bumper stickers are from a time past when bumpers were made of metal and you could hide the rust beneath a sticker. In many cases, bumper stickers were more stylish and durable than Duct tape. However, with today’s cars, it seems that the sun has set on our adhesive friends. With all the body parts painted on cars now, bumper stickers do nothing more than ruin the paint and deface an otherwise beautifully styled car.
With a final scornful glance at the driver, I think to myself there is a man out there who has to deal with this woman and I truly pity him. With a deep sigh, I close off another opportunity for the red-faced driver behind me and move on through the morning rush hour.
What a week it has been. I have been preparing for another business trip, as well as working to get some ideas out for TTMM. Always there is a balance between spending time writing and spending time with family. As always, family wins and this week, I have made the most of every minute with them. Since I will be out of the country on Father’s Day this year, my wife got most of the kids together to do an early celebration before I left. Dinners, presents, and the circus made for a weekend full of memories. In between it all, I continued to try and keep my discipline of writing each day. What ends up on the screen doesn’t always end up on TTMM. I have a whole folder of half started ideas that lost steam during the process. The few that made it through can be found here this week.
As I muddle through writing, I look back on where I started and where I am today. I owe what I do with writing, to my wife. She tolerates my hours of single-minded focus on ideas and listens, even when she probably wishes I would talk about something else. She is patient when I create anxiety for myself for not meeting the self-imposed deadlines. As my editor, she is amazingly good, she has to read some of the drafts multiple times. Then, she listens, as I angst over whether it will be well received. Unlike writing books, there isn’t an acknowledgement page on a blog. So, I want to take a moment to say, without my wife dealing with my narcissistic ambitions, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this. She is my strength, my guiding light, and my partner in all things. I want to say thank you, to my lovely wife, with all my heart.
It is that time of year when air travel picks up momentum as vacationers flock to their remote destinations. In my job, I spend a fair amount of time in airports and traveling internationally. In the beginning, the travel was exciting and the people watching was worth the price of airfare, taxes, fuel surcharges and baggage checking. However as time went on the almost missed flights and longer delays as well as other frustrations beginning to pile up lead me to believe that now is time for us to discuss some points, helpful hints if you will, for the first time traveler; if for no other reason than I am stuck around you as you travel.
Getting through a security check is a process that has become increasingly frustrating for people over the past 11 years. The rules set in place to keep us safe from the potential evils of the world have created longer lines and confused travelers who mill around the lines of security. It doesn’t have to be that way. Let’s take a moment to look at a few simple things to make your life easier and less annoying to me, when traveling.
Sensible shoes: Security in US airports requires all travelers to remove their shoes and place them on the belt to be x-rayed. When traveling, don’t be the person who wears the thigh high boots that lace up to just shy of your ultra-short skirt. You will be required to remove your boots and the hundreds of people following you are not admiring your fashion sense. Instead, we would like to shove those boots firmly up your ass. Other thoughts are also running through our heads, however, they are not appropriate for this particular blog. Just know, our thoughts are not personal, we will just blame those particular thoughts on the “mob” mentality.
Empty pockets: When the nice TSA agent says remove everything from your pockets, they really mean everything. Take out your wallet, keys, and even the little bit of paper you acquired during the preflight process. I have an even better suggestion, since you know you are going to the airport, how about not putting anything in your pockets in the first place? Nothing pushes the buttons of those waiting behind you more than to have to watch you be told a dozen times to step back and empty your pockets.
The confusing laptop rules: Well, the rules are not exactly confusing. If you are traveling with a laptop, take it out of the bag you are carrying, place it in a tub all by itself, and then put all other items in a separate tub. See, it is an easy concept. However, it seems that next to emptying your pockets, this rule baffles more people than anything else. I have to admit, the look of utter confusion when the TSA agent explains this to an intelligence-challenged individual, was amusing the first time or two I saw it, but now is an effort in anger management to keep from placing them in the tub…
Tourist vs. business traveler: It is easy to pick out the tourists as they are the ones who are socializing with their group of fellow vacationers. They will be wearing the above mentioned fashion attire not suitable for travel. When they approach the security area, they look like little lost children waiting for someone to tell them what to do. Had the group paid attention instead of acting like they were enjoying a happy hour, they would understand what they are supposed to do. In contrast, you can always tell the seasoned traveler, as they are the ones untying their shoes and removing their belt before they get to the checkpoint. The most telling identifier of a business traveler is the scowl they are wearing while being delayed by the tourists.
The rules are stupid: Yes, the rules are stupid and we all know that they frustrate everyone. However, they are the rules set before us to follow. Trying to get around them or incessantly complaining only slows down the process for all of us. The rules won’t be changed just because we complain and they certainly can’t be changed by the TSA agent waiting for you to empty your pockets for the third time. Think of it in this way, it is against the rules to choke the living shit out of people who aggravate us. If we discounted that simple rule, people going through security might find they are suddenly gasping for breath while their thigh high boots are firmly shoved up their ass.
Now I know that most people who travel may only get the chance to do so once a year, if they are lucky, but travelling is like anything else that is not familiar. Pay attention to what is going on around you, read the signs, and listen to the people who are there every day, wearing the uniforms, reciting the rules over and over and over. TSA is really trying to make it easier on you, just imagine what they see everyday. I do not want to come across as cynical, but I know those of you I will meet at the airport, who may have read these tidbits of wisdom, will not take heed. As such you will see me scowling at you and contemplating if your shoes will fit up your ass with your head already in there.
Reflecting over some of the choices I have made has brought me to a higher understanding of the whole “cause and effect” scenario in life. I was having one of these moments of understanding as I was kneeling in my bedroom, my head over the small trashcan, dry heaving after a night of festivities. By the time I had purged all that was inside me, the realization I might not have made the best choice in my alcohol consumption levels was very clear as I sat back and groaned. At these moments, the skies part and you see the world a little more clearly, if not a little too brightly.
Some ideas just sound great when you are drinking, but should never actually be attempted. The worst part of implementing these ideas would be there is no “morning after” pill to remove the stain of the decisions made under the influence. With the internet and sites like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., our inebriated deeds are now more public than ever. So, let’s review some things that might sound good while under the evil influence but in reality, are the equivalent to an epic failure, sort of like Waterworld or the last American Pie movie.
In order to be helpful to my brethren, I thought it might be a nice public service to give you a few suggestions of things that should never be done while indulging in alcoholic beverages.
The Bet: Anything that starts off with “I bet you can’t …” is sure to produce a moment of regret. Usually, this statement is followed by one of your friends doing something that brings stupidity to a whole new level. If you are the one that is suggesting this idiotic behavior, please make sure you have a good video to be posted on the web as there are many of us who spend hours going through those embarrassing moments for our enjoyment.
“Watch This!”: This one, like the bet, is the reason we need more chlorine in the gene pool. It should almost be encouraged as a way to weed out the lesser mental giants of our species. Though entertaining, this statement is more often followed by a trip to the emergency room where the uninsured contribute to increasing medical premiums. These not-so-bright ideas are typically followed by acts so lacking in common sense, they would make the crew of Jackass cringe.
Sex with a stranger: Oh, this sounds good even when sober, but the reality is that in the morning, one of the two previously intoxicated people will really regret this decision. This happens when one of the fornicating couple has moved way above their league, while the other has essentially gone slumming and will forever regret opening their eyes the next morning. How this ever happens is one of the mysteries in the way alcohol affects the brain. On one hand, it makes a person bolder, but on the other it makes that same person’s eyesight worse. Only the overly-bright light of day points out the obvious flaw in the night’s activity. The saddest part is that mostly likely you will not even remember if it was worth it.
Dancing: If you cannot dance when sober, do all of us a favor and choose not to dance while drinking. Not only does it embarrass you, but you could hurt yourself or someone on the dance floor. Just because you have had a few beers, you have not magically transformed into either John Travolta or Justin Timberlake. And ladies, you are not J. Lo or Beyoncé by any stretch of the imagination. Alcohol has a way of making you feel like you are these people-the reality-you look like a worm caught on hot asphalt. Do us a favor, don’t do it. However in thinking about this, the other school of thought is – please, dance like no one’s watching, when in fact, everyone is not only watching, but laughing as they record you.
Texting and Facebook updates: This is not a new issue but as technology gets more advanced, even your mother has a cell phone and Facebook account. Though we all appreciate your play-by-play as you crawl from one watering hole to the next, it becomes an issue when you feel compelled to share the graphic details at three in the morning. What is a worse major issue is when you mistakenly text your mom in your quest to update your friends. We all know emotions run very high as the booze soaks into your system, and the professing of love and devotion to your married friend is probably not the best moment of your evening. Telling your boss what you really think of them is bad on every level, but especially if they are the above mentioned married friend. As far as posting on Facebook, well, that is quite funny and we save those images to add captions to for our demotivational posters. In fact, I have funded this blog for some time off the sales…
Now, I am sure all these ideas seem completely normal, acceptable, even good, starting the moment the first drink passes your lips. I am speaking from personal experiences, none of these are good ideas (sorry mom for the text messages). Life may be short, but this fact does not mean you should choose to cram so many stupid moments into it. As for the friends who encourage the above behavior, you should be ashamed of yourself for not sharing the profits you are raking in from their alcohol induced misjudgements.
Following these simple rules will make your intoxication a pleasant experience. At least until you are hovering over the trashcan and seeing a moment of clarity.
Walking through the office on my way to feed my caffeine addiction, I find the room empty and coffee available. With a sigh of relief, I start the process of fixing my sugar laden cup of dark goodness. My mind wanders through all the items that need to be completed and what work I can accomplish in the next few hours. Then the sound of shuffling feet on the tile steals my attention from my thoughts.
“So, how’s married life?” says the voice behind me. With a sigh, my thoughts of work crumble and fall, not like a house of cards but more like the demolition of Pruitte-Igoe. This is the question everyone feels they must ask when they do not have an intellectual thought as they approach a recently married co-worker. And by recently married, I mean someone who was married in this century. The question ranks up there with “how are the little ones doing?”, though the aforementioned little ones are in their final years of high school. The days of water cooler chat on current events have been reduced to a handful of canned inane questions. In return, a canned answer is expected- everything is just fine and just peachy almost as gleeful as a unicorn shooting rainbows out of its ass. Just once, to change it up a little, I would like to turn around and tell them something like “my spouse ran off with her newfound pimp after the “little ones” became addicted to huffing model glue. Thanks for asking“. I imagine leaving their stunned expression behind as I walk away and hide my smirk with my freshly brewed cup of coffee.
Why do people feel the need to ask such asinine questions in the work place? I think it is time we expand our canned repertoire of pleasantries to include some new ideas to keep with the times and maybe generate some interesting conversations. Next time you are at a loss for words in that awkward moment of silence with your co-workers, try a few of these conversation starters.
“So, how is that deadbeat of an ex-husband you have been bitching about for the past five years? Still ducking court ordered rehab?”
“Did your teenage daughter ever get that STD checked out? Make sure you express my apology. I didn’t realize it could be transmitted in that manner.”
“I have been wondering, what does it feel like to be hated by most of the people in your department? Is it similar to when you were in high school?”
“Sorry you were passed up for the promotion. It just goes to show us all that it isn’t about the special favors behind closed doors but actually doing work that will get you ahead.”
“We have a pool going around the office to figure out what the meaning is behind your tramp stamp. Wanna clue me in? Does the “X” have some special meaning or is it just a target?”
I am sure you will find adding a little inventiveness to your ice breakers will help with the boredom we usually experience around the office. Feel free to share some of your more demented responses with your co-workers. Be creative as you express your inner monologue-it’s okay really, everyone is thinking the same thing as you. Above all, make sure you smile as you are escorted out of the building as we need fodder for tomorrow’s conversation.
[Disclaimer: TTMM holds no responsibility, implied or actual, for any physical damaged caused by co-workers who lack a grasp of the openness to think outside the box on conversation openers. We cannot be held financially responsible as the author is one of those above mentioned “deadbeats”.]
Trip Through My Mind 